INTRODUCTION
In the fall of 1988 I was employed as an internal quality consultant with AT&T in Kansas City, MO. During the previous summer I had a very heated encounter with my older son, Ryan (age 14 at the time). On one of my frequent business trips to train a group in Atlanta, GA, he did not follow my very explicit instructions and as a result the sitter, over the phone, implied she might not continue to care for the boys. The following conversation with Ryan was very one sided and heated on my part. The encounter was not one I am particularly proud of today but it did give me insight into how I handled myself during certain times of stress.

In September of that year I attended a consultant's training session conducted by Larry Liberty Ph.D. who shared with the group what he called "Effective SelfManagement". It was a discussion on ANGER, what it was and a better way to manage our responses to it. One that did not destroy relationships by driving individuals and/or groups apart.

During his instruction I experienced my encounter with Ryan all over again. I kept saying to myself, "If only I'd had this knowledge three months ago," and shaking my head. Yes, things could have been different. It was too late for that episode but things would be different in the future and they are now. Both boys and myself, know, understand, and use our modified version of Effective Self-Management (ESM).

Since Larry's training session with us that September, I have continued to use, add to, develop, and deliver my version of Effective Self-Management. Other sources that I have incorporated into the following paper were taken from Making Anger Your Ally, by Neil C. Warren Ph.D., The Psychology of Achievement by Brian Tracy, and The 7 Habits of Highly Successful People written by Stephen R. Covey Ph.D.

WHY USE THIS TOOL?
One of the quality principles that the AT&T Network Group used in its quest for Quality Management is "Prevention is Achieved Through Planning." Knowing how many of us traditionally display our anger and its harmful nature to relationships, we can learn to prevent this by using anger's energy constructively. Groups have a tendency to be more effective when interpersonal relationships are positive. As we know, it is through working with others that we are able to accomplish great things and that means positive relationships must exist.

I have presented this tool dozens of times over the past years. On many occasions people will approach me months later and comment saying that it has improved their relationships with others as well as themselves. My children and I use it when the need arises, most of the time in a joking manner, about one of us starting to go up the left hand side of the anger tree. Just the mention of starting up the left hand side usually brings on a smile. This causes us to lighten up and not take the situation so serious. Once the tension is broken, we begin to problem solve, i.e., working up the right hand side of the anger tree.

It can work as effectively in the group process (QI Teams) and is even a good training tool to use in reinforcing the quality tools. It is something different, something they can take home and share with their family and friends. I have in the past, delivered ESM training to groups early in their forming stage, just after they receive training in the seven quality tools. I do this so they can see the adaptability of the tools to every day situations.

WHAT IS THE EFFECTIVE SELF-MANAGEMENT MODEL?
It is simply a tool to better help us understand the traditional ways many of us react to negative stimuli (the left hand side) and a more constructive way (the right hand side) to channel the energy gained when we become angry.

Anger is not an emotion as many of us have been lead to believe. Anger is not good or bad but simply a physical state or preparedness to act. It is part of our human nature which includes the need to survive. How we display our anger is a learned behavior and since it is learned, we can develop a substitute, more positive behavior, to replace it. Remember, practice is a necessary ingredient in replacing an old habit with a new one.

Looking at the anger tree, as I frequently refer to it, a stimulus enters our world and we have a need to respond to it. If we perceive it as a threat to our well being, we in many instances travel up the left hand side of the tree. (1) We react as we have in the past to perceived threats and take it personally. You could say we are ROOTED to our past ways of behaving. We begin to act as if the events around us are personally designed to upset and hurt us. In this condition we must react to protect ourselves, our ideas, beliefs, opinions, etc. Rather than learning, we are now operating out of Survival. (2) If we take things personally we will probably become righteous and thus justifying our actions. In this condition we will continue to demonstrate our survival-reaction by taking a position and holding on to it for dear life. This will likely cause a similar reaction from others in our environment and thus a vicious-cycle has begun. Once initiated, it is very difficult to stop before some permanent damage to the relationship is done.

The destructive expression of anger typically takes one of two paths. First, INWARDLY expressed which is broken down into those that we call somatizers and those that we refer to as self-punishers. Somatizers, anger denied, are those people that usually will not admit to getting angry, since they will not deal with the anger frequently they end up with headaches, ulcers, stomach problems, allergies, colitis and hypertension. All these are self-destructive to the soma, or physical body. I know, I've been there. The Self-punisher, anger turned inward, or guilt catcher, takes responsibility for the whole situation and places huge amounts of guilt on themselves. In other words, they beat up on their psyche. They see themselves as the cause of the problem. This in turn tears down their self-esteem, or how they feel about themselves, and they end up on the psychologist's couch.

Second, A person who expresses anger OUTWARDLY, is destructive both to themselves or others. Here you have the Exploder and the Underhander. The Exploder usually expresses their fear, frustration, or hurt by being physically or verbally abusive to themselves and/or others. The Underhander, or guilt thrower, is considerably more subtle than the exploder but can be just as harmful to the relationship. Frequently you see these individuals pouting or giving the group or person the silent treatment. They withdraw from the interaction but stick around to let the others know that they are mad and it's their fault. Another way is to become sarcastic towards others. They say or do things with the intention of making others feel guilty.

An important additional point to keep in mind is that episodes of anger usually do not come to completion. They never quite get finished in our minds. They have a tendency to recycle themselves. Whatever has caused the process to begin in the first place frequently comes around again and it starts all over. Many of us will gunny sack our anger and when the sack gets full we let it all come out. This causes us to take the trip back up the left hand side again.

Understanding how anger works and seeing on occasion ourselves hanging out on the left hand side of the tree, should give us the insight we need to learn a better method to deal with our anger. We have the choice. We can choose to continue the old pattern of behavior and live with the associated consequences or we can choose to learn a better, more positive approach to dealing with our anger. Remember, anger is not an emotion but a result of how we handle our emotions. It is simply a physical state of preparedness to act.

The right hand side of the anger tree is the positive side, the control or growth side. The side, we as change agents in the quality process, need to function on. Not only we, as quality consultants, fathers, mothers, and friends, but all those that we interact with on, as well as off, the job.

First we must decide to take more responsibility for our own lives. You see, no one can "make" us behave in any way we choose not to behave. How we choose to behave is our responsibility and our choice. Unfortunately, over the years, we have displayed anger in certain ways and had it reinforced. After enough reinforcement we acquire the habit of reacting to certain stimuli in a predictable way. We keep it up unless the pain is so great we are forced to change to survive. If we don't experience enough pain we just continue doing business as usual. Another reason to change is that we now know there is "a better way". One that builds better relationships and adds value to the world instead of destroying what is good or can become better.

Once the decision is made to assume responsibility, the quality tools come in to play. First we need to find out WHEN we become angry. The Pareto Principle (80/20 rule) comes into action here. For most of us, we really only get angry on rare occasions so through brainstorming see if you can identify those times when you become angry. It's a good idea to develop a checksheet to keep track of those times you become angry. Once you have collected enough data on the checksheet transfer it to a Pareto Diagram and decide where to start. Do you want to start on the trivial many or work on the vital few?

Now that you know when you become angry you need to understand WHY it happens. Cause and effect analysis needs to be completed. The Fishbone Diagram is a good tool to use here. Write a good problem statement and put it as the head of the fish. Using the standard categories of people, machines, methods, materials, and environment, brainstorm some possible root causes. Once this is done, go to Step one on the right side of the anger tree and ask these three questions. "Why do I feel angery? What do I fear? Why do I feel frustrated or hurt?" Over eighty percent of the time you will discover why you become angry answered by one of the three questions.

Armed with that information go to Step two "What do I want from this encounter or relationship?" This is probably the most difficult question to answer. "Deciding what is important or how important or not important at all." Something to keep in mind is Covey's Circle of Concern verses the Circle of Influence. The circle of concern contains things which concern us but over which we may not have much control or influence, where those things in the circle of influence we can do something about (like ourselves). By determining in which of these two circles lies the solution to the problem, we can focus our energies so that we can become effective.

Step three asks, "Now that the diagnosis is finished and I know what I want, how do I go about getting what I want?" This is the planning phase of the process. You might consider using force-field-analysis (barriers & aids) during the planning step. Discover what is working for your solution and what is working against it. Strengthen those forces working for it and eliminate or minimize those working against it. Once you have developed and written your action plan put it through a reality check. Depending on what is contained in your plan, the check may be nothing more than a review of your thinking and confirmation that you are doing the right thing. On the other hand the reality check may need to be conducted by an outsider, even a professional. It all depends on what you feel is necessary and appropriate.

Step four is plan implementation, (ACTION). Setting your plan into action is just as important as all of the prior steps. If it is not implemented and implemented effectively the results may not be what you wanted or expected. Be sure to evaluate the measured results against expected and desired results. Implement any corrective action if and when it is necessary. If your action plan involves other people remember to use follow up and recognition appropriately.

Step five, Completion. A part of being effective is to become COMPLETE. This simply means that nothing is ever left with unnecessary loose ends. Every attempt is made to leave things in balance and satisfactory to all of the participating parties. Being complete is an essential element of the learning side of the Self-Management equation. If you leave loose ends and things not finished they will stick around to cause more problems in the future. Taking things through to completion will help prevent future problems.

PRACTICE
If the planned solution involves changing your way of responding to stimuli that have in the past manifested anger, don't expect great results the first time out. It is the authors recommendation that you purchase, read and reread "Making AngerYour Ally" and "The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People" before attempting to deal with your own anger. Changing ones lifetime habits is not an easy process. It seems to take more work to undo an established habit and substitute a better one than to just create a whole new one. In dealing with the human mind and habitual behavior, you have to substitute the new for the old. If you don't practice the new behavior over and over again, it tends not to replace the old. In times of stress, the old behavior will be the first back on the scene.